Domestic Adoption and Fear of Rejection

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to domestic adoption lately. Scott and I had kind of a knee-jerk reaction to domestic adoption when we first started considering it. We were afraid to put our hearts on the line for a baby who could end up not being ours. Too, we were uncomfortable with the idea of birth parents. We’re insular people, for the most part, and the idea of adding strangers to our family in the form of birth parents wasn’t something we were comfortable with.

As we’ve become more and more comfortable with adoption in general, birth parents don’t seem so scary anymore. I’ve seen open adoptions that work really well, and that makes the idea of domestic adoption more attractive. But there’s still the laying your heart on the line thing, and I still know I can’t do that.

I think infertility wounded me deep down inside, more than I realize at first glance. Somewhere inside me, I became convinced that I couldn’t get pregnant because I don’t deserve to be a parent. And when I think about domestic adoption, I see that fear being translated into no birth parents ever picking me. I feel like they’ll see my profile and immediately know, on some gut level, that I don’t deserve a child, and there’s no way any woman would choose as an adoptive parent someone who doesn’t deserve a child.

But even feeling undeserving, I want a child. And I know that, if I adopt from China, I’ll have one. It may take a while, but at the end of the tunnel, there’s a baby for me. With any attempt at domestic adoption, I only see more heartache for me. And I don’t think my heart can take anymore.


2 Responses

  1. don’t ever let anyone make you feel you ser undeserving of a child. that you’re unable to produce one with your own body doesn’t make you a failure but a victim, of genetics or our environment or any one of a million other factors. Your desire itself is enough to make you deserving of a child to love and cherish. And I think taking the route you feel most comfortable with is a perfectly sensible action. Have you looked into Ukraine? I have heard from people who are thrilled with their experiences with Ukraine adoption. is supposed to be a good resource. Best wishes!

  2. There are lots of good reasons for not choosing domestic adoption and not feeling up to the rigors of it is a very good one. It’s certainly not easy. Go where your heart leads you — you will be wonderful parents.