Stuck In Neutral

That’s how I feel, like I’m stuck in neutral with this cycle. After 17 days of Lupron – 10 days at 10 units a day and 7 days at 20 units a day – my u/s yesterday not only still showed the 5 follicles from last week, but they were bigger. The one that was at 2.2cm last week was at 2.86cm yesterday. My E2 came back at 290. I’m not sure what number they’re looking for, but I do know that 290 is high.

It’s really frustrating me.

The current plan is to keep on what we’re doing. I stay at 20 units for another week and go back to be checked next Wednesday.

My regular GYN, who I also saw yesterday, is of course mostly concerned about what those follicles could mean in terms of the cancer thing returning. When I told her that one was at 2.86cm, her eyes widened perceptibly. She wants me to go see the GYN oncologist, which I will, but I’m going to wait and see what happens with next week’s E2 test and u/s. If the follicles shrink, I don’t think I’ll worry about the GYN oncologist. She did a CA125, but reminded me that I know that a CA125 doesn’t really mean anything.

Honestly, I’m not as worried about the cancer thing as I was, because seeing that one follicle grow that much in a weeek had an oddly reassuring effect on me. My tumors never grew that quickly, so I doubt a new one would. I could be completely wrong about that, but I think this is just my stupid body being stubborn.

And that’s what frustrates me. It’s one thing if we do the IVF cycle, get to retrieval and transfer and it doesn’t work. It’s going to really piss me off if we never even get to try, though.

I guess I haven’t allowed myself to get too emotionally invested in this cycle, because I don’t really believe it’s going to work for me. I told Scott the other night that I haven’t connected the nightly injections in any way to the possible result of having a child. It’s just something I have to do every evening. In fact, in my head, it seems more to me like dealing with the cancer thing than trying to get pregnant.

Bleh. Just… bleh.


1 Response

  1. I remember three years ago having everything timed out to the minute. I will do Lupron for x amount of days. Begin my Follistim treatment with the retrieval being this day and my 5 day transfer being this day. I focused on dates as a coping mechanism I think x’ing off the calendar each night like a kid waiting for their birthday. Then I got the call that I needed to stay on the Lupron longer and I lost it. Imagine what happened when they told me that I needed to stay on Follistim longer and then when they dared to tell me I would have a Day 3 transfer. How dare this Doctor who sits in a lab all day tell me that my petri dish couldn’t wait 5 days. All hormonal and bloated I was so pissed off and angry that the schedule hadn’t been stuck to. And then I remembered one of the nurses in the IVF class I had to take saying, “You call us on Day 1 of your cycle and then we own your body.” Meaning I needed to just let go of the calendar and the numbers and the process and let the experts handle it.

    It is frustrating, but they know the numbers, they know how to tweak the meds to achieve what they want. Hang in there. Such a cliche I know. But the only advice I have.