The Thing Is…

Infertility takes all your hopes and wishes and dreams and dashes them to little bits upon the rocks of harsh reality. After enough of this abuse, hope doesn’t just wither; it’s crushed, smothered, and, finally, thoroughly extinguished.

It’s at that point that you either break under the pressure or become a jaded cynic who manages to avoid being hurt anymore by employing a vicious black humor tempered with a breezy pessimism. I chose the latter. I don’t break.

The thing about IVF is that it requires you to rekindle that hope, over and over and over and over again. And each time it doesn’t work, you’re tossed out into the storm once again and tumbled around till you’re battered and cut and bleeding and raw. Every time you start an IVF cycle, you have to be willing to let that happen to you again.

Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier, less painful, to just make a choice to live child-free than it is to have that tiny flame snuffed so many times. I know I’m not ready for that, and Scott seems horrified by the idea whenever I bring it up, but I wonder if it wouldn’t hurt less.


3 Responses

  1. it is extremely tough. i’ve seen so many people go through it! 🙁 but i have to say that you are a wonderful person with so much love that you should really consider adoption before going child-free (you probably already have but i just had to say something seeing as my family has many adopted kids.) i still wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

  2. ugh, this time of year is so damn difficult for those dealing with fertility issues. I truly hope for you that there will come a year when this will be a happy joyful time for you both, and that your hopes will have come true and all of this will seem so very far away.