…because I’m waffling.
When we first started IVF, we decided on a cut off date of my 40th birthday. That was when we were going to call it quits and be done with it all. Then came the new tumor and the surgery and the related complications and I’ve spent the past 10 months or so feeling sort of crappy. Now my 40th birthday is looming in just over a month and I’m finally starting to feel normal again, physically speaking.
A few months ago, we started looking into adopting from foster care. We still haven’t even filled out the application, though, and I know that at least part of the reason for that is that I don’t think I’ve given up the idea of being pregnant. Our IVF experiment was derailed suddenly and violently by the surgery, and I resent that. When we first started talking adoption, years ago, I asked myself “do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mother?” and I told myself that the answer was that I wanted to be a mother and that pregnancy didn’t matter. Now I think I was lying to myself. Being pregnant is important to me, and I don’t think I’m ready to lay it to rest.
On top of it all, so far we’ve only used a third of our ART coverage. We still have two-thirds left! All that wasted potential!
So we’ve been talking about it lately and it looks like we’re going to give IVF a few last hurrahs. I’m still waiting to hear back from Scott’s HR rep about a particular coverage issue, so I haven’t made an appointment yet. When we do hear back, I’m going to try Columbia. They have a reputation for taking women who have very little prospects for success and, let’s face it, that’s me in spades. If IVF works for me it will only happen through some arcane dark art. (Or is that arcane dark ART? Ha. I slay myself.) A wing, a prayer, and some duct tape may also be necessary. I mean, my one and only ovary is likely no more than a piece of chewed up, spat out, gristly meat by now, with all the manhandling it’s had over the past 6 years. That is one abused little ovary.
I still want to adopt. I still want to do it through the foster care system. I’m just not ready to do it right now. We need to go through more IVF, wring every penny out of our coverage, before I’m willing to call it quits. And if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t, I plan to go to a grief counselor to work through it all, and THEN I can move on to adoption. With a lighter heart and knowing that I gave modern science the old college try.