Why I’m Not More Upset

Something strange happened recently: a possible newborn adoption just fell into my lap like a gift from the gods. My brother called to tell me that a friend of his was pregnant and didn’t want to parent. She had my number and was going to call. It turned out that she changed her mind about adoption within a few days, so nothing ever came of it.┬áThat part isn’t really so odd. I’m sure suddenly pregnant women find themselves considering and discarding adoption on a regular basis. The really strange part was that, when it turned out to be something that wouldn’t happen, I wasn’t upset.

I think there are several reasons I was able to take it so easily. One is that it all happened so fast. From the moment Alex called to when he called to let me know she didn’t want to pursue it, not even a week passed. I was still standing in line for the emotional roller coaster instead of riding it in full swing. Another reason is that I knew it was highly unlikely that it would proceed. It sounded to me like the friend wanted to pursue a different choice and I’m glad she’s going to do what’s right for her.

But the biggest reason I’m not more upset is that I don’t think I want a newborn anymore. Oh, sure. If something happened and I suddenly found myself in the position that a newborn adoption was happening, I’d welcome it, but it’s no longer something I think I care to pursue. The more I think about adopting an older child, the more I want it. I’m not foolish enough to believe any adoption is easy, let alone one that brings me to mother a child with already developed interests and a personality and a history that probably contains some form of abuse. Even so, I feel ready to take all that on in a way I don’t feel ready to take on the realities of a newborn.

I still have pangs of heartache when I see babies, especially now when it seems everyone I know has just had or is having one. But I find that I’m not really barren and bitter anymore. It’s more of a barren and melancholy now, and I see the melancholy lifting over time because I see the possibility of parenting coming soon.


2 Responses

  1. First off, I have been following your journey for a long while, but am a terrible commenter. I am always touched by your grace and your ability to be in the now, and to hear your own desires and follow them (even when it comes to ice cream!).

    I think you will be an amazing mother. I wish you blessings in the journey to adopt and hopes for a swift journey to the child who is meant for you and you for s/he.

    I am sorry this recent opportunity didnt work out, but it sounds like it really clarified for you what you are hoping adoption will look like and the child you are waiting for.

    hugs and good wishes sent your way….