Tag Archives: annoying

Jury Duty Is Ruining My Life

Published / by Kim / 1 Comment on Jury Duty Is Ruining My Life

And it hasn’t even started yet.

I just called to make an appointment for the sonogram my oncologist wants. The earliest appointment they had was for the 8th. Great, said I, I’ll take it. But no, I realized, I start jury duty on the 7th, and it will be at least three days. So I had to make the appointment for the 14th, and just hope I don’t get picked for a jury.

The realization that I couldn’t take that songogram appointment on the 8th made me suddenly realized something else: guess when my new cycle is supposed to begin? If you picked May 8, you’re a winner!

That means I won’t be able to do any of the early cycle tests at the new IVF center, because I’ll be in the Bronx County courthouse all fucking day!

If I have to push these tests back yet another cycle. I’m going to be pissed.

“This, too, shall pass”

Published / by Kim / 4 Comments on “This, too, shall pass”

What a bunch of bullshit that phrase is. I cringe every time I hear someone say that to someone having a hard time. It’s often a flat out lie. Even at best, it’s a platitude that only serves to minimize whatever situation a person is dealing with.

The only person getting comfort out of this phrase is the one saying it, because they can’t think og anything else to say. So they settle on some meaningless, insulting platitude and pat themselves on the back for how comforting they are in someone else’s time of need.

Proceed With Physician-Advised Method of Achieving Ejaculation

Published / by Kim / 3 Comments on Proceed With Physician-Advised Method of Achieving Ejaculation

Over the past 6 years or so, I’ve been in a lot of doctors’ examination rooms. A lot. A real lot. As a result, I no longer hold them in the same awe in which I think people who only go to the doctor for their annual or bi-annual physicals do.

When you spend so much time in exam rooms, you have to find some way of entertaining yourself. Sometimes I bring a book, but not usually, because it always seems that someone walks in to do something to me right when I’m getting engrossed in the book, and then I have to scramble to get it put away. Instead, somewhere along the way, I started entertaining myself by looking at everything in the room. I mean, come on. You can’t tell me you haven’t been tempted to wander around the exam room, picking stuff up and reading it, opening the cabinets to see what’s inside, etc. The only thing giving you any sense of decorum is the seemingly inviolable nature of the examn room, because you’re only there once in a while.

Well, I’m there every other day sometimes. Nothing is inviolable. Even the ultrasound machine, whose buttons I’ve been known to push when I have a particularly long wait. Just to see what they do. I’ve also been known to pull out the dildocam and scan my hand. This horrifies Scott. When I tell him about it at home after appointments, he looks shocked, but he’s able to quickly put it out of his mind. Yesterday, however, he was in the exam room with me. He couldn’t put my dismaying behavior out of his mind, because it was happening right in front of him, and he was absolutely scandalized.

As I sat in the plush procedure chair*, I started getting bored. It started with me playing with the small packets of Surgilube that were piled in a box next to the ultrasound machine. I wanted to see what they said.

“Put that back,” Scott said urgently.

“I’m just looking!” I replied.

Next, I noticed the big box of Trojans in which the box of Surgilube was sitting. “Hey!” I said to Scott, “Look at all these condoms!”

“Put that back,” Scott said urgently.

“I’m just looking!” I replied.

As I reached my hand toward the dildocam, his patience completely broke, and he sternly warned me, “Don’t.” So I sighed and left the machine alone, secretly plotting to play with it on a subsequent visit when I wasn’t hampered by all his order.

That was when I noticed the packed of something or another on the shelf of the ultrasound machine, so I pulled it out to see what it was. It turned out to be a rather unique method of specimen collecting called a Male-Factorpak. It’s ingenious, really. It’s basically a condom that a man puts on and does his thing into, and it includes a twist-tie to seal the whole thing up. No missing the cup.

At this point, Scott was red in the face and called me a “train wreck” and said I was just like Xena. But if I hadn’t picked up the package of Male-Factorpaks, I never would have known that there might be ways for a physician to advise men to achieve ejaculation other than what you’d normally think of when this had to be done. What other ways might a physician advise? I maybe don’t really want to know, but you have to admit, it sparks the curiosity.

*When I say plush, I mean PLUSH. It was cushioned. It was more comfortable than my sofa.