Tag Archives: ART

Holiday Blues

Published / by Kim

I has them.

I’ve been trying to just push through it, but I’m definitely in the throes of a full blown holiday season funk. It’s a big combination of things, like turning 40 and having a bit of an existential crisis, and also let’s not forget the pregnancy announcements that just won’t stop coming. Put both of those things together and the funk settles in for a long stay.

Turning 40 I could handle on its own, but the pregnancy announcements combined with it are really throwing me off. Most of these pregnancies are women I only know peripherally, so I can mostly ignore them, but a couple of them are really good friends. One of those friends is really sensitive to my situation, and I love her for that. The other doesn’t get it – and really, why should she? – and says things like, “I just felt the baby move! I love being pregnant.” That killed me. Just really killed me. Like laid me down in the street and ran over me with a steamroller killed me.

The thing is, I’m happy for these friends of mine. Happy for the ones who got pregnant after intertility and happy for the ones who just got pregnant as soon as they wanted to get pregnant. I love that I have babies to knit for all of a sudden, even if they’re not my babies. But I’m sitting here surrounded by all these¬†holiday trappings and they all feel empty and meaningless without a child to share them with.

It’s weird, but after all these years, I still can’t really believe I’m infertile. I still think to myself, “This isn’t right. This can’t be my life. This isn’t the plan.” And sometimes the injustice of it hits me in the chest so hard I can’t breathe.

Holidays have never been hard before, other than Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. This year the turning 40 thing being thrown into it all is what did it. I’m 40. Even if I wasn’t infertile, my fertility would be washed up right about now. I don’t have a lot of time left to figure out¬† what to do. Whatever I do, I want this to be the last Yule I feel this way. Next year, I’m going to be pregnant or in the midst of adoption or I may really just roll over and die.

We have an appointment at Columbia on January 22. That’s the first step. We’ll see what happens next.

Comments are closed on this one because I’m mostly venting and also because I don’t want anyone saying what great parents Scott and I will make or similar comments. I know people mean well and say that to help, but it’s kind of like telling a starving homeless person what a great chef they’d make if they had a house with a kitchen. Just saying.

Serve me up with some butter and good maple syrup…

Published / by Kim / 3 Comments on Serve me up with some butter and good maple syrup…

…because I’m waffling.

When we first started IVF, we decided on a cut off date of my 40th birthday. That was when we were going to call it quits and be done with it all. Then came the new tumor and the surgery and the related complications and I’ve spent the past 10 months or so feeling sort of crappy. Now my 40th birthday is looming in just over a month and I’m finally starting to feel normal again, physically speaking.

A few months ago, we started looking into adopting from foster care. We still haven’t even filled out the application, though, and I know that at least part of the reason for that is that I don’t think I’ve given up the idea of being pregnant. Our IVF experiment was derailed suddenly and violently by the surgery, and I resent that. When we first started talking adoption, years ago, I asked myself “do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mother?” and I told myself that the answer was that I wanted to be a mother and that pregnancy didn’t matter. Now I think I was lying to myself. Being pregnant is important to me, and I don’t think I’m ready to lay it to rest.

On top of it all, so far we’ve only used a third of our ART coverage. We still have two-thirds left! All that wasted potential!

So we’ve been talking about it lately and it looks like we’re going to give IVF a few last hurrahs. I’m still waiting to hear back from Scott’s HR rep about a particular coverage issue, so I haven’t made an appointment yet. When we do hear back, I’m going to try Columbia. They have a reputation for taking women who have very little prospects for success and, let’s face it, that’s me in spades. If IVF works for me it will only happen through some arcane dark art. (Or is that arcane dark ART? Ha. I slay myself.) A wing, a prayer, and some duct tape may also be necessary. I mean, my one and only ovary is likely no more than a piece of chewed up, spat out, gristly meat by now, with all the manhandling it’s had over the past 6 years. That is one abused little ovary.

I still want to adopt. I still want to do it through the foster care system. I’m just not ready to do it right now. We need to go through more IVF, wring every penny out of our coverage, before I’m willing to call it quits. And if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t, I plan to go to a grief counselor to work through it all, and THEN I can move on to adoption. With a lighter heart and knowing that I gave modern science the old college try.