Tag Archives: ivf

Flutterings #16

Published / by Kim / 2 Comments on Flutterings #16

I haven’t been blogging much lately, mainly because I’m so overwhelmed by being so far behind in the ABC-Along. Every time I think of something I’d like to write about, I think about the letter H and I freeze. Which is nuts, when you think about it, considering that the ABC-Along is meant to be fun! So I’m going to set aside anxiety over that and try to post more often about other things.


On the knitting front, I was recently struck with a serious case of finish-itis. Yes, that’s finish-itis, not start-itis.Arwen, the hooded scarf, and Scott’s socks are all done. I’m more than half-finished with the crochet border on Lizard Ridge, leaving only the log cabin crazy quilt, which is going to be an ongoing project to use up scraps of worsted. The only thing keeping me from marking things as completed in Ravelry is that I want to get photos of them first.I’ve such a case of fnish-itis that I even just brought my Top Down Raglan Shrug out to the living room to re-knit the sleeves. I’ve never been happy with the straight edge of the bind off and I’ve always wanted to re-knit the cuffs. I added lace cuffs that should have been knitted bottom up and knit them top down, which ruined what should have been a pretty scalloped edge. Since I’m going to re-knit anyway, I may also shorten the sleeves to above the elbow.


Last weekend, my mother and her husband spent the weekend in the city. We saw them on the 4th – and on Sunday, but on City Island – at the Millenium Hilton downtown. They had a suite there and they got Scott and me a room for the night, so we were able to sit in the room and watch the fireworks over the East River. The windows opened a little, so we were even able to hear the booms. It was really a nice way to spend Independence Day.


This weekend, we’ll be in Pittsburgh. We drive out on Friday and home on Sunday.Scott’s mother got married in January in a small ceremony with no reception. This Saturday they’re having what I thought was to be their reception, but they’re calling it a family reunion. Scott and I have never met her husband, and this weekend will be inundated with his entire family, so it should be interesting. It’s strange for Scott, since neither he nor any of his three siblings have children – we’re the only ones who ever really wanted to, and Scott’s the youngest of them all at 45 – but his mother’s new husband has kids and grandkids and great-grandchildren galore.I think Scott’s mother is a little, I don’t know, embarrassed maybe is the word, that she has no grandchildren to show off to her husband’s family. As a result, she’s been asking us about the IVF stuff a lot more frequently lately, even though before the new husband, she changed the subject immediately whenever Scott mentioned any of our plans for adoption or IVF. She never wanted grandchildren and was happy before that none of her kids had children. This is a real turnaround, and Scott and I are her only hope. It’s weird, to say the least.

How come the future has to take such a long time?

Published / by Kim

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait… sometimes it feels like that’s all I do.

I don’t think I mentioned it here, but I went for the oncologist-ordered sonogram on 5/14. The sonogram showed, of course, the cysts that have been there for some time. I just got the results from the oncologist and the results are: there are no results.

He wants me to wait 6-8 weeks and go for another sonogram so he can see what was cysts and what may have been follicles that resolved with ovulation. I was on day 8 of my cycle at the time I had the sonogram, so it’s a pretty good bet that there was a follicle there amongst the cysts.

The good thing, I guess, is that it took so long for him to get back to me with the results that, at this point, it’s 3-5 weeks until the next sonogram. Still, it’s annoying, all this waiting.

I’m moving ahead with the test’s with the new RE finally, though, so that’s something. I have the hysteroscopy scheduled for next Wednesday, along with one of two semen analyses Scott needs to have done. The blood work will be this Wednesday.

I’m really hoping that everything works out with the oncologist and he gives the go ahead for me to start another IVF cycle in late July. If things don’t work out with the oncologist, I suppose we’ll start thinking about donor eggs.

The Thing Is…

Published / by Kim / 3 Comments on The Thing Is…

Infertility takes all your hopes and wishes and dreams and dashes them to little bits upon the rocks of harsh reality. After enough of this abuse, hope doesn’t just wither; it’s crushed, smothered, and, finally, thoroughly extinguished.

It’s at that point that you either break under the pressure or become a jaded cynic who manages to avoid being hurt anymore by employing a vicious black humor tempered with a breezy pessimism. I chose the latter. I don’t break.

The thing about IVF is that it requires you to rekindle that hope, over and over and over and over again. And each time it doesn’t work, you’re tossed out into the storm once again and tumbled around till you’re battered and cut and bleeding and raw. Every time you start an IVF cycle, you have to be willing to let that happen to you again.

Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier, less painful, to just make a choice to live child-free than it is to have that tiny flame snuffed so many times. I know I’m not ready for that, and Scott seems horrified by the idea whenever I bring it up, but I wonder if it wouldn’t hurt less.

Jury Duty Is Ruining My Life

Published / by Kim / 1 Comment on Jury Duty Is Ruining My Life

And it hasn’t even started yet.

I just called to make an appointment for the sonogram my oncologist wants. The earliest appointment they had was for the 8th. Great, said I, I’ll take it. But no, I realized, I start jury duty on the 7th, and it will be at least three days. So I had to make the appointment for the 14th, and just hope I don’t get picked for a jury.

The realization that I couldn’t take that songogram appointment on the 8th made me suddenly realized something else: guess when my new cycle is supposed to begin? If you picked May 8, you’re a winner!

That means I won’t be able to do any of the early cycle tests at the new IVF center, because I’ll be in the Bronx County courthouse all fucking day!

If I have to push these tests back yet another cycle. I’m going to be pissed.